33.

I few weeks ago I turned 33. Whoa, that is a lot of life lived.

I was reflecting on my previous year as I changed out my wall calendar. Before I erase the calendar I pause and give thanks for each month. Reflecting on the feelings of each month and what I was hoping for and what themes were rising up in me. 2019 was a year of shifting mindsets and a lot of inward growth, yet it was still very clouded with fear. At the top of the calendar, it says “plan your future. achieve your dreams.” I guess I thought by 33 my goals would somehow have meshed with the husband and 5 kids I would have by now, or that they would be the catalyst to open new doors for new dreams to take flight. Or that things would just fall in my lap because of the movement that comes with that lifestyle. Yet, this is not the life that I lead. Not even close.

I am in uncharted waters. I have way more agency than I thought I would at this point in my life. The world is my oyster? What do I want? What does success really look like for me? What brings me true joy? I realized I have been holding out for this desire of romantic love and family to actualize before I took any creative risks or pursued opportunities that truly light me up with joy and purpose. I was holding out because I didn’t want to do it alone. I was holding out because I thought there would be some gold in achieving that desire which then would catapult me toward some new grand idea of success. I was holding out because I wrestled with whether or not my voice mattered. Is there room for me when nothing is new under the sun? Is it possible to view romantic love as equals with community love, family love, friendship love? Where is God in all of this? (Thank you, Disney, for disordering my thinking on these ideals.) This desire clouded my view of being able to expand to the fullest version of myself.

The clouds are clearing in 2020. I am excited and still hopeful about finding romantic companionship and a family. (If you know anyone please let me know;) However, I am releasing this ideal that has any power over my ability to create and flourish as an independent woman. A vibrant woman who has lots to share with the world. words. action. art. music.connection.bridging.imagination. intellection. My reality is full of community, light, and big possibility. This reality is a comforting gift that reminds me to stay connected to the present and release expectations. How fulfilling this reality has become.

This leads me to my word for 2020. Expand. I want to honor those places within me that I have neglected or ignored for fear of what others might think. 2020 is already fiercely reminding me that my worth is not attached to other’s opinions of me or the work I produce or don’t produce. I want to instead honor this place of self that knows deep down her inherent worth is magical. A place that is budding with innovation and ways that deeply inspire others.  I choose to honor being honest over wanting to be liked. I choose to be brave instead of safe. I choose to be loved instead of just needed. I choose to expand those parts of me that are bold, disciplined, and creative.

As I plan and craft the new year ahead, I choose to add to my calendar only experiences that support my expansion. To my becoming. I want to honor all that is gold within me in 2020. May it be so, or something better.  

Make it beautiful,

Sara